the art of losing myself

i realize alot of things. i realize the 'so much more' that i've been missing all this while, either because of ignorance or because i want to do everything fast.

so yes. i guess during these few months i've certainly learned alot. in a way its like slowing down. taking a pause to observe the world. i realize that people, are actually quite lonely on the inside. altho they may have lots of company outside (i'm sure you guys have heard this before), but really, when not around people, they're lonely on the inside. even around people you can be lonely, no? you may feel companionship, but it doesn't really satisfy.

i've known some friends, they go watch movies alone. i guess people nowadays would say things like 'sad person' or the stuff like that. i'm also guilty i guess. there was a question i had to answer recently: are you fine being alone?

initially i thought, of course i'm fine. i like being home alone. but let me rephrase the question, are you fine going to the movies alone? are you fine going to shop alone in a huge shopping mall? are you fine having a meal outside just by yourself? etc. well, i'm not. so much for thinking that i like being alone.

something i realized. in as much as there are pros in having company around you, i think there's something we can all learn in being lonely. by lonely i mean - just you, and God. because i believe with all thats going on in this world now, people are all so busy doing their own things, hanging out with frens and all, etc..

that they left God out. Hence i think that God is actually quite lonely lorh. and thats why i feel that a lonely person may find it easier to truly discover God in a way greater than those who aren't. its like, in this aspect of loneliness, the more we give our time to be spent with God (in physical loneliness), that we're actually having a more fulfilling communion than with our many frens. and i guess thats what i really desire more now.

the more i lose myself in this area, the more i want to lose.

you know what? i really don't know how to explain this, but its just something i felt throughout these months. that through the lonely times, i actually feel satisfied.

i'm not good with describing how i feel. and i guess i'm blogging this as a memo for myself.